I’ve been sharing some of my journey for the past few months. I’m what my counselor calls a Type II Alcoholic – not an official term – but it means I came into my disease later than most. I did not start drinking early and did not drink alcoholically until my later 40’s. Consequently I don’t have some of the wreckage in my life that others do. My children didn’t grow up with an alcoholic mother. I didn’t have a lot of financial problems early on. I was able to get good jobs and keep them. My husband and I did not suffer through years of problems early drinking brings.
But my disease still wreaked havoc. Though my children didn’t with the shame and stigma of this disease, my grandchildren have had to. Though I had good jobs early on, I eventually lost them due to my disease, and the financial problems soon followed. And my husband of more than 38 years suffered greatly – watching the woman he fell in love with change into someone he couldn’t recognize, with little idea why. I even went through a period a few years ago where I wanted to die. Though I wasn’t brave enough to take my own life, I was completely convinced that I and everyone who knew me would be better off if I were dead. And I was careless enough that I almost got my wish; I came very close to dying by accident during this dark time.
I celebrated seven months of sobriety this past Saturday, August 20th. For me, this is a huge milestone. Because once I became an alcoholic, I became a raging one. Through several out-patient treatments, AA meetings, counseling sessions, promises made and promises broken; the best I could manage was six months of sobriety. And even then, I was using some sort of pill when not drinking. You see, I’m not just an alcoholic; I have an addiction to pills as well – pain pills and benzodiazepines (Valium, Xanax, etc.). So to have seven months of “for real” sobriety feels like an incredible accomplishment to me.
And with accomplishment, I am learning, comes responsibility. I had the opportunity to talk to a woman in my office this morning who is going through a difficult time in her life. Now her issues aren’t alcohol and/or drug related; they are totally different. But there is one thing we share. She feels like she would be better off dead. And while we talked, she could tell I truly understood how that feels. She could tell I had literally experienced that kind of pain.
I was able to tell her to hold on, and to reach out to the One who can heal all wounds. Because even though she feels like life isn’t worth living, if she is able walk through those hard things in front of her, even if that means doing nothing but blindly hanging on by a thread, I know there is victory when she emerges on the other side. She could argue with a lot of things; but she could not argue with the reality of what I had experienced in my own life.
Today, August 23rd, I am still an alcoholic. I still struggle daily; it seems, with both my desire to drink and with all the pain of the issues I was numbing in the first place. But I am so happy to be alive, to be able to interact joyfully with my grandchildren, my friends and family, my co-workers. I am thankful that the relationship with my husband is healing. And I am delighted to see Jesus using me to reach out to someone else in pain, to be able to sit in front of her as a living example of the healing and joy He wants to bring.
I’m not sure where all of this is coming from today – but if you are one who is struggling, who is hurting so badly you think death is a better answer, please hold on. Please find someone to talk to. I am proof that life is worth living. The only one who would truly be better off if you were dead, is Satan. Because then he wins.
Don’t give in to despair – give in to Life. Give yourself up to the Life Giver – Jesus Christ.
Thanks for listening. Caro
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