It was one month ago today Cliff suffered an almost fatal pulmonary embolism. Time passes, and it caught me by surprise when I looked at the calendar this morning. Life has been pretty uneventful for the past few weeks, and let me tell you, that is a really good thing!
Cliff has been recovering, at a slower pace than he would like, but that is to be expected. I have gone back to work and find the day to day “grind” a bit wearing. I have also discovered that I am not as young as I used to be! The ordeal we went through took a lot out of me. I didn’t sleep well for weeks and am just now starting to feel a little refreshed in the mornings when I rise. There are even some evenings that I come home and don't just collapse in a boneless heap in my chair.
Mostly though, these weeks have provided me with a lot of time to reflect. If I am not careful, my mind starts to dwell on a myriad of “what ifs.” “What if” the clot had caused significant heart damage? “What if” Cliff hadn’t survived the initial damage? ”What if,” when our children and I were gathered at his bedside whispering tearful goodbyes and assurances of our love to each other, those goodbyes had turned out to be permanent? “What if” I was alone now? But if I have learned one thing, it is how unproductive “what if” musings are.
In order to change my outlook, I am schooling my mind and my attitude to praise through those “what if” moments. When I feel the anxiety of such a thought, I purposely turn my mind toward my loving Heavenly Father. As those words “what if” start to form in my thoughts, before they take shape on my lips, I consciously choose to simply thank Him for being with me through all of it. How easy it would be to spend my energy fretting about what might have been, or even worse, what could still be. I have discovered that the enemy would like very much to march me down a destructive path. He would have me linger in those places in my mind that are unhealthy and negative.
So today, I join with the Psalmist in praising my creator for his constancy in my life. I don’t have to worry about the “what ifs,” or the “what yet might bes.” I need only to dwell in the protection and sanctuary of his arms.
Cliff has been recovering, at a slower pace than he would like, but that is to be expected. I have gone back to work and find the day to day “grind” a bit wearing. I have also discovered that I am not as young as I used to be! The ordeal we went through took a lot out of me. I didn’t sleep well for weeks and am just now starting to feel a little refreshed in the mornings when I rise. There are even some evenings that I come home and don't just collapse in a boneless heap in my chair.
Mostly though, these weeks have provided me with a lot of time to reflect. If I am not careful, my mind starts to dwell on a myriad of “what ifs.” “What if” the clot had caused significant heart damage? “What if” Cliff hadn’t survived the initial damage? ”What if,” when our children and I were gathered at his bedside whispering tearful goodbyes and assurances of our love to each other, those goodbyes had turned out to be permanent? “What if” I was alone now? But if I have learned one thing, it is how unproductive “what if” musings are.
In order to change my outlook, I am schooling my mind and my attitude to praise through those “what if” moments. When I feel the anxiety of such a thought, I purposely turn my mind toward my loving Heavenly Father. As those words “what if” start to form in my thoughts, before they take shape on my lips, I consciously choose to simply thank Him for being with me through all of it. How easy it would be to spend my energy fretting about what might have been, or even worse, what could still be. I have discovered that the enemy would like very much to march me down a destructive path. He would have me linger in those places in my mind that are unhealthy and negative.
So today, I join with the Psalmist in praising my creator for his constancy in my life. I don’t have to worry about the “what ifs,” or the “what yet might bes.” I need only to dwell in the protection and sanctuary of his arms.
Psalm 91
1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
Thanks, as always, for listening. Caro
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