My Beautiful Pain

Psalm 51 is one of my favorite scriptures. In it, David, who is described as “a man after God’s own heart” in 1st Samuel 13:14, has just been chastised by the prophet Nathan for his sin with Bathsheba. David pours his heart out to God, lamenting his great transgressions. He confesses his sins and begs God to cleanse him with hyssop, so he will be whiter than snow. He implores God to create a clean heart within him and entreats him not to cast him away. He asks to be restored to the joy of salvation, and to be sustained.

I love David’s words, and in my own sinful and wandering ways, have often used them to beg for my own forgiveness. But what I find most wonderful about this passage is contained within verses 13-17. After David has confessed and must feel assured of his restoration, he then makes his own commitment. He states boldly that he (David) will now teach transgressors God’s ways, so that sinners will turn back to Him. He goes on to proclaim that he will praise God with his own lips and that he understands that God’s deepest desire of him is a “broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart” (vs. 17).

Here is what I find so very encouraging. No matter how I have sinned, no matter how badly I have messed up, God can still use me. In fact, he delights in using me, especially because of my brokenness.

These past few weeks I have had the opportunity to work closely with a man and woman who are struggling with alcoholism and codependence. He is in the grip of the disease of addiction and she is smothering under her own codependent ways. God has brought us together and because of my past, I have credibility with them. When I tell them that I truly understand their pain, and can indeed feel it, they believe me.

Sunday morning when I took communion, as I was thanking Jesus once more for his sacrifice for me, I was moved to tears as I thought of how these two precious people are struggling and hurting. I truly felt their pain as if it were my very own. And I know God heard my prayers for them, because he took care to comfort me as I prayed, with tears sliding down my cheeks. He assured me that they are deeply loved and that he desires nothing more than their healing; and he also promised me that the pain I have gone through in my own struggle with alcoholism and addiction is so very precious to him. He showed me how he is now able to use me in ways I could never have been available for without the affliction I’ve suffered from for years.

I have heard other alcoholics say they are grateful for their condition. When I first heard such words, I just knew they were lying. Later, I glimpsed some possible truth in it, but had not yet experienced it for myself. As I have grown and changed in these months following my new found sobriety, I started to understand and accept that is might be true.

But this Sunday morning, I experienced what I can only call a “beautiful pain,” as my heart broke for these two dear friends, and as I felt Jesus weeping with me and easing my sadness. For the very first time, I was truly grateful that he created me as he did, and let me suffer with such a terrible disease. For as hard as it has been, as much suffering as it has caused me and my family and friends, it is worth it as I see God using my sorrow to help teach others of His gentle ways,so they might turn back to Him, and also be comforted and healed.

Thank you Jesus, with my whole heart, for the beautiful pain you are allowing me to know and understand.

Thanks, as always, for listening. Caro