A Strange Kind of Christmas Post

This may be a kind of different Christmas post – but it is what is on my heart. I have debated for several days with myself, but feel God’s leading in this direction, so here goes.

Am I the only one who has struggled with incredibly low self esteem and feelings of utter unworthiness? I recently found a journal I had kept several years ago and was re-reading some of the entries from a time my life was at its lowest point, when everything seemed completely hopeless. Here is a sample from those dark days:

February 10, 2003 – “My heart is broken. You alone know my fears, my horror, my shame, my weakness, my stupid unworthiness. I am just a pitiful, ugly and stupid object, needing to be discarded. Useless and worthless. Valueless. No one could love me if they really knew me. Ugly. Stupid, Bad. Selfish. Not even strong enough to be weak. . . . I can’t go on, I have nothing left. I am nothing. I can never be trusted, loved or cherished again. Alone. I am so alone. . . . Why did you create me like you did? Why am I so ugly inside? I am powerless and I have no idea what I should do. So I wait, Oh Lord! I wait, but tell me – WHAT am I waiting for? I am so tired. There is never any rest for me, no sleep, no calm no peace.

From the depths, from this pit I exist in,

I beg you – heal me –
or end it for me.”

Dear ones, have any of you ever been there? My eyes flooded with tears as I read my own words from those awful days. I truly wanted to die, I felt so lost and alone. And then, when all seemed lost, hope burst in. Just a few days later, this is what I wrote: "I have confessed my sins to my family and to my God. I have been forgiven and relationships restored.”

Because God gave me a second (and third and fourth – and fiftieth) chance. Though I would go on to struggle more and face other difficult and heart rending times, I can see that God was at work, even back then in those bleak and desolate seeming days.

And this is the heart of today’s post. I want to share what I read just a few days ago, in Philp Yancy’s devotional book, “Grace Notes.” He asked “Does God really care?” Then he goes on, quoting from Psalm 77, where David is crying out (with words that could have come from my own journal) –

7 “Will the Lord reject forever?
   Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
   Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
   Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”

Mr. Yancy beautifully answers that question by saying this. “Jesus gives God a face, and that face is streaked with tears.” Matthew 23: 37 shows us how Jesus grieved for his children. I love the King James version – where he cries out,

"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together,

even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings,
and ye would not!"

Jesus longs to show God’s compassionate face to us. Christmas time is supposed to be a time of rejoicing and celebrating. But I know that for many, the sorrow they feel is compounded at this time of the year. I challenge you to remember that Jesus gave up his glory, and was forever changed when he came as a tiny baby. He was born to show us the face of God. A face that is streaked with tears because of his great compassion for each of us.

At this season, I celebrate his birth, and I am so grateful for his death. But most of all, I am grateful that he heard my despairing words written in my darkest hours, when I felt so lost and hopeless, and so utterly bereft of any worth. I am grateful he heard me and gently and patiently led me through all the years, until I today I rest in his gentle embrace.

May each of you find his peace and rest today.  Have a blessed and restoring Christmas, my dear friends.

Thanks for listening. Caro