Sitting In Those Pesky Uncomfortable Feelings

Why do you suppose I am such a slow learner? When I was in treatment, they kept telling me to “fffeeellll” things. To “stay in the moment.” To experience what was going on “in my own head.” To be “comfortable in my own skin,” and to “sit in my painful feelings.” Sometimes I felt like they were speaking a foreign language.

Not that I didn’t have some pretty spectacular feelings while there – anger, shame, guilt, sadness, regret and even some joy-filled moments and the mere beginnings of healing and peace. But this past week, I felt something else – something very well-known. Something that snuck up on me and surprised me with its intensity and its very familiarity. The event that precipitated those feelings in not particularly important. What IS important is the feeling itself, and my reaction to it.

You see, I read the facial expression, body language and tone of voice in something my husband of 38 years said, and interpreted it through my apparently defective filter. I immediately reverted to old ways of thinking and behaving. I began telling myself everything he was thinking and feeling, and what he “obviously” wanted me to do. And since I didn't want to do that, I felt awful. The scary thing is how right that “awful” feeling felt.

I have been doing so well in recovery that I was blindsided and almost derailed by those all too comfortable feelings of inadequacy, failure, pain, longing to be better, guilt, shame and just being “less than.” My thoughts simply raced away on a track of their own: Should I frantically confront him on what he must be thinking? Should I get angry at him because he “made” me feel like this again? Should I just go home and not talk to him at all (you know, the dreaded silent treatment); or stay and give in to what I perceived he wanted? Should I Cry? Pray? Scream? Run? I had no idea what to do to “fix” this terrible feeling I suddenly had.

I only knew two things for sure. One, that I did not want to drink over it – I have come far enough in my recovery I knew that would not solve anything. And two, that I HAD to fix this dreadful feeling I was having. But in taking away my one known avenue of dealing with these feelings (drinking), I ended up completely paralyzed by indecision.

So I did nothing. And I thank my Higher Power – Jesus Christ – for that decision! For in doing nothing, I stumbled upon the best way to just sit in those blasted uncomfortable feelings. I ended up discussing the whole issue with my counselor and she provided gentle direction on how to deal with these times I find myself stuck in a morass of “fffeeelllliiinnnnggg!” Next time I’ll share more of what I learned.

Thanks for listening. Caro