This is hard.

Recovery is hard work. Plain and simple. I was going to write something totally different today, but I am so focused on recovery right now that that is what I need to concentrate on. You see, I'm doing pretty good. Almost "scary" good. And when I talk to my recovery network, my counselor and my AA Sponsor about it, they are encouraged. They remind me I'm doing so well, because I'm doing the hard work - going to meetings, working the 12 steps with my sponsor, meditating, keeping fresh spiritually, etc., etc.

But this disease is cunning, baffling and just plain mean. It is insidious. I went though treatment with a lot of really wonderful ladies. Most of them that I became close to have "graduated" by now. I stay in touch with several of them. Some of them have already relapsed and that breaks my heart. A lot of them are struggling but are still sober. And some of them are experiencing what I am - that it is a daily choice, but it is going pretty good.

But my best friend from rehab is really having a hard time. She is such a joy to me and I love her like a sister. She lives in another state, so I stay in contact via email, text and phone. Today she emailed me that she had an appointment after work to get some "other" drugs. Her drugs of choice are the same as mine - alcohol and RX drugs. And somehow she had convinced herself she could use either pot or heroin or meth - and that would not be relapsing. Yikes! We talked and I called the rehab center and one of the counselors called her. I think the crisis for today was averted.

Which brings me to the crux of today's blog. It has made me really think. Though I adore her - she is a very needy and draining friend. And I have to be careful - because it is so easy to get wrapped up in her drama, that I forget to take care of myself first. I find myself vacillating between wanting to talk to her all the time and "help" her -  and not wanting to take her calls or answer her texts at all, because it is so hard to deal with all "her stuff" at the same time I'm trying to deal with "my stuff." So I am praying and searching for that magical middle ground. And I had to tell her that if she chooses to use, though I will still love her, I will not associate with her. I have to choose to stay with the winners.

The good news is - she has chosen not to use, at least for today. And as as of now, I am 103 days clean and sober and feeling better than I have in years. And I am strong enough to make the decision to let her go if I have to, in order to keep my own recovery, though I struggle with that concept - and it would suck.

And the best news of all? I am weak enough to know I can do none of this on my own. I need a Savior. And he will always be there for me. He is my strength and my shield. As step three of AA says "I (daily) choose to turn my will and my way over to the care of God." And just for today, that is enough.

Thanks for listening. Caro