Progress—Not Perfection

This past week I have been to two memorial services and was present when my cousin’s ashes were released into the Pacific Ocean. I have run the gamut of emotions: from sadness to poignancy, from the ugliness of a senseless and unnecessary death to the celebration of the life of a saint who finished well; from passion to numbness. And do you know what I have discovered?

Life is meant to be lived – to be experienced, to its vibrant fullness. Sometimes I wanted to weep with the helpless feeling my cousin’s suicide left me with. Sometimes I wanted to dance with joy as I remembered the life of the friend who finally surrendered peacefully to the ravages of cancer.  And sometimes I found myself frustrated because other things kept intruding on my grief.  One particular day, the morning of my cousin’s memorial service, a friend seemed to go out of her way to try and pick a fight with me. Now, I simply I don’t fight with people and am usually pretty low key. But this particular incident set my teeth on edge. At a time I wanted to be free to wallow my grief, I found my thoughts were taken up with my irritation, my exasperation at my friend, instead.

And finally, I had to choose to acknowledge yet another of life’s experiences; that of just letting my feelings flow. I quit telling myself to stop feeling the way I obviously felt. I stopped telling myself that I should be grieving my loss, not annoyed with the peculiarities of the situation.  And I just let myself feel what I felt.

It seems like such a simple thing. But on this road to recovery I am on, things aren’t always simple. Relapse is waiting like a lion, to pounce on me and destroy my hard won victories. If ever I had an “excuse” to use, it would have been this past week. But despite the death, disruptions and distractions, my God is faithful. And my journey to recovery and healing, though not without bumps along the road, is still intact. I may be stumbling along, but at least I’m still traveling. And as we say in AA – we expect spiritual progress, not perfection. And that turns out to be a pretty good motto to live by.

Thanks for listening. Caro